Texts of
the Demon's Monkey as Related
by Darth
Cricket
Feb.4th 2001
Part theFirst:
The discovery of
pictographs in a prehistoric cave in The Dark Continent has been
kept a very close secret while the 'Wise Ancient Ones' argued
amongst themselves until they arrived at a unanimous conclusion
which makes fact, and not myth or legend, of the Demon's Monkey's
existence (known all along by the oral traditions accuratley
passed on among us 'in the dark' from time eternal).
It was recalled that on one certain day there was a shadow across
the sun so intense the whole sky was black enough that you could
see the stars, planets and one comet hurling across the sky. This
comet's target was deep in the heart of The Dark Forest and as it
happens, came to a rather cataclysmic stop at the bottom of an
ancient coconut tree.
As the alchemists say, "for every action, there is an equal
and opposite reaction"! What with the heat on all the other
micro-elements, not to mention all the the coconuts that came
thundering down, there emerged this slightly larger than average,
small, matted furball, who had the unpleasant demeanor of a being,
who is disturbed like someone in a reverie dumped from it's
hammock into the pool, or worse, while doing metaphysical bench
presses and contemplating 'the sound of one paw clapping', it
invades your oblivion and that it's the f*%king toad upstairs
thinking he's Lars Ulrich doing John Denver's Greatest Hits!
Be that as it may, and under the circumstances, it possessed
great knowledge of the elements and an elementary knowledge of
psycho-sociology, and most important, the audacity to apply it!
Little is known of it's formative years, but what is known is
that it had an insatiable curiousity and a propensity to see how
things worked by taking them apart, and not being satisfied, put
them back together in a manner that was pleasing or useful to it.
|
A most interesting example is when it's attention was attracted by one of those four foot high anthills, common in these parts. Having evicted all the ants for purposes of 'conversion to condos', it lopped off the top and made a chamber or spacious atrium inside. It's inventive processes were always at work and kicked into overdrive and shrieked, "HEY! Let's make a furnace!" |
Gathering together the neccesary materials, it placed a large green rock on the bottom so as to not set the sub-soil on fire, then put all sorts of combustible stuff on top and put the lid back on. A trail of fulminate of cryptonite and stuff was laid in a shallow furrow up to the opening of the mound and, 'presto-zippo' it had a flame igniting this mixture burning it's way into the anthill setting fire to the contents.
| After having watched
it carefuly for a few minutes, Monkey got bored and was
getting up to leave when this glowing, orange, molten
stream was seeping out of the hole and back down the
furrow. As it was too hot to touch, Monkey hung out until
it cooled. With great interest Monkey cleaned it off in
the river to proudly hold it in it's clawed paws, a long,
narrow, shiny length of red metal! "Engarde! Touché!"
The Demon's Monkey was off to total domination and
enlightened despotism! |
|
To be continued....
March 28/01
Part The Second:
|
Hold on! Damn sectoids!
Just let me clean some of this ant sh*t off my boot. Must
have been some of those homeless critters The Demon's
Monkey turfed out. Now back to the facts of the matter. |
Having achieved
total domination and enlightened despotism in a very short period
of time, crossing the known world from the bottom to the top
horizon and the left to the right horizon (depending which way
you were headed), weilding It's symbol of authority, the Thin
Copper Rod, Monkey already knew that 'The Powers That Be' had
underestimated her and it rankled Monkey that they were being
patronizing and condescending. Monkey was expecting more of a
challenge than intimidating those monotonous little ants. "Bring
on the heavys!" she shrieked.
For a long period of time Monkey waited for her demand to be met.
Did they even hear? Nothing...nada...squat happened. But when you
consider 'The Greater Scheme of Things' on the basis of 'The
Geological Time Scale' like we are talking, give or take, 3.5
billion years, she should exercise at least a little patience,
but say that to her and be ready to duck. No patience! That's our
Monkey. You see, Monkey (and the ants)are from the MYocine
Epoch and wants it all NOW! Whereas we, in the Plastocine Epoch,
can take a longer, more laid back view of things. Cool eh? ...Ah,
Sorry, I'm blathering.
Well one day, feeling more lonely then usual, there was a
rustling on a tree branch above her head. It took a long time for
her instinct to motivate her little grey cells to perceive this
and, thusly, caught her unawares...She wasn't alone, she was
being watched (cue ominous organ dirge).
| Looking up she spied a very satanic looking prescence gazing back at her. "Gasp!...Who are you?" she demanded. Not being fazed at all, the creature responded, "Who are you?" |
|
"Look"
she said, "I'm not Alice in Wonderland, I'm The Demon's
Monkey and you are on my property!"
"This is just too cool! I'm Satanic Squirrel." he was
quick to reply.
"Never heard of you, are you some kind of mutant ant?"
Monkey asked none too politely.
"Nope" said squirrel, "if you really want to know,
the 'squirrel' part of me is derived from the ancient greek: <
Gk < Skia shadow + oura tail, and the satanic
part...well...you might soon find out. So you put it together!"
Muahahaha
"Well go figure." ponders Monkey, "Greeks? Never
heard of them. If you ask me I'd say that the 'skia' means
skiadaddle and the 'oura' means tail alright 'cause that's all
you see when you leave your shadow behind." quipped Monkey.
"And as for satanic, you're all red!
Ha ha ha...Oh my aching sides!"
Satanic Squirrel whispered, "Got sumpin' fer ya."
"Cool." saysThe Demon's Monkey, "Whatcha got?"
Squirrel cracks open a 24 of bananas. "Special jobbies here,
well aged", says Squirrel.
"Killer....Let's Party!!!" lets loose the Monkey.
So having riotously bonded and all sorts of carry on at all hours,
they were getting complaints from upstairs. It seems that The
Powers That Be could not tolerate this encroachment on their
right to peaceful enjoyment of their premises and filed a suit
for eviction with the, 'ever so slanted in the landlord's favour',
Landlord and Tenant Tribunal! The decision, as usual a foregone
conclusion, dumped Monkey And Squirrel into the real world with
nothing but their birthday suits and Monkey'sThin Copper Rod! (What
goes round comes round eh? - D. Cricket) "Humpf! Boring as
Hell that place!" grunts Monkey as she hits the ground.
"Just as well!" agrees Squirrel.
to be continued...
Apr 7/01
Part The Third:
Now there has been a new development in the evolution of a
consensus regarding the various interpretations that have thrown
The Wise Ancient Ones at each other's throats.
Several months ago in the badlands on the fringes of the desert
there was a peasant, or perhaps homeless child turfing up rocks
looking for grubs, or ants or something, when to it's horror it
was tumbling into a dark crevice.
Fortunately, due to it's tender age, there was no harm done but
for some scrapes and bruises that was no more than his everyday
lot in life.
|
Saving only one thin shaft of light, it was pitch black and very dusty. It would have been an easy scramble out but for these peculiar flat stones that often splitbefore much progress could be made... two forward, one back you know. The light fell on one of the slabs and it was covered with odd scribblings. Curiousity comes with a price, especially when you try to climb out with a few of these pieces in your pockets. But the satisfaction of getting out of there with them was worth a little more blood, sweat and tears and, shrewdly marketed at inflated prices, a tidy sum. |
Well the upshot of
this was the discovery of a vast collection of mysterious clay
tablets which, upon deciphering, enlightened each Ancient Wise
One with
a unique interpretation.
There was much stamping, shouting and waving of fists, not to
mention the very odd expletive. I mean they were at it again in
spades, or even clubs! It seems they were knocking this word
"Mu" around. It was here a "Mu" there a
"Mu" everywhere a "Mu Mu". Where the Hell is
Old MacDonald when you need him!? Now look! Take all thse old
farts off to an abattoir and shoot them!... oh dear, a thousand
pardons, I got carried away.
But hey! Don't get me wrong, I'm not being critical. This is the
stuff of progress. After all, the world wouldn't be where it is
today! But it was agreed
unanimously, there was a lost continent called Mu!!!
To continue from previously...
Grasping the magnitude of the situation and before Satanic
Squirrel got a chance to open his mouth, The Demon's Monkey
planted The Thin Copper Rod deep into the ground and stated
loudly to all and sundry, "I hereby claim all this land in
the name of The Demon's Monkey to be used and governed according
to Monkey's Understanding which are in concordance
with all the known and unknown CosmicLaws. Therefore, let there
be a pox and a ban on any and all poseurs who call themselves
lawyers!! In short and to wit, I'll call this land 'MU'!"
"Amen!", enjoined Squirrel with deep religious fervor,
"And I, Satanic Squirrel, claim in the name of MOI, this
tree which has been my traditional squat from the beginning of
time which starts NOW!"
"OK, OK Squirrel, I guess 'time' is a Cosmic Law and I'll
let you have that one under one condition. That is, if I can come
to this tree 24/7 and get what I need from the à la carte
blanche menu. I mean after all, how many ways can you slice, dice
and distill bananas?
"A mo. Be right back." says Squirrel... *fladat* "What
do you think of this?" proudly waving a sign in Monkey's
face.
--- SATANIC SQUIRREL'S BANANA PARADISE - Always Open! ---
"Excellent! I'll have a headbanger and a double devilled
banana delight, with the works, hold the mayo."
"Our specialty! That'll be three cashews and a peanut please.
In advance." drolled Squirrel in his best waiter's voice.
"OK I'll trade you my order for three cashews and a peanut
and then I'll re-order and pay you, OK?" snarled Monkey in
her best dealer's voice.
"Forget it. it's on the house. First customer and all."
replied Squirrel. "Friggin Monkeys" grumbling under his
breath.
"Eh what? Wha d'ja say?" Monkey has sharp hearing or
ESP or something.
"Diggen Klumpy was all I said. It's greek for 'nice weather
lately'." he smiled innocently.
Now The Demon's Monkey wasn't born yesterday and, knowing all,
wasn't about to be fooled by this furry fiend. Being quick to
take offense, she broke off the thinnest end of The Thin Copper
Rod and took aim at Squirrel's head by way of banking off the
tree branch to alter the shape into an open-ended ring and using
the gravitational force to slingshot the piece to score a ringer
around Squirrel's little neck. "HA!" triumphed Monkey,
"Take that!".
"Hey! It's killer, don't wrap it, I'll wear it!"
Squirrel was impressed.
"Well I'll be a monkey's uncle" quoth the Monkey,
"if that ain't the coolest thing I've done since condos. I
mean this is truly a momentous time in history! To create a thing
of beauty (and I don't mean you Squirrel) from raw nature. The
Mystery!... The Force!... The Power!... The Magic of it all!!"
Monkey was tripped out with ego all over the place.This was no
time for modesty because The Demon's Monkey knew fashion when she
saw it!
"What shall I call it?" she repeated again and again.
Squirrel was too busy admiring himself in the pool to pay any
attention to Demon's Monkey's fanatical exhibition. "How
about 'foolery'?... too stoopid! umm... coolery? Nah... er,
gemery?... too dumb. ah... jewelry... nope, too ordinary.
SQUIRREL! For Judith Tabitha Christ, come here!!
Squirrel was still in a spell of hedonism and self appreciation
when he came over and all he could say was, "The wonder of
my body adorned... Squirrel is now mysterious, enforced,
empowered... MAGICAL!!"
"That's it!" exclaimed Monkey, "I'll call it 'body
adornment'!"
to be continued...
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