Zombies are Scary

Zombies send shivers down our spines, goosebumps on our skin, and nightmares in our sleep. On a hierarchy of creepy, they reign supreme because a zombie could potentially be your sister, your neighbor, your spouse, or even you. Zombies are humans — at least they were, but they’re dead and they really want to eat us. But what if there really was a “Zombie Invasion”? Read this information. It may one day save you from a life of the undead.

Delving into Zombies

A zombie can be defined as a human being that would otherwise be dead, but strangely is not. Zombies were humans. These people probably led perfectly normal lives and perhaps did such mundane things as pay bills, take out the trash, and do the dishes. Then this human being is bitten or somehow is infected by a zombie, and the human dies to come back to life as the exact same creature. Now as a zombie, this person has an incredible sense of blood lust and will seek to eat or gnaw on other humans, turning those unfortunate souls also into zombies. Thus, this cycle continues until the supply is exhausted.

This seems fairly cut and dry, but it isn’t, especially if you’re trying to survive a zombie invasion. So, what is the obsession with eating other humans? The answer to this question is tricky because we must, first, delve into what fundamentally is a zombie.

#1: A zombie is a dead human being

Big shocker, right, but this most obvious observation reveals a lot. For instance, if a zombie is a person that is dead, deceased, slipped on the banana peel if you will, then we can assume their heart has stopped beating and all their other functions, brain, liver, kidneys have ceased as well. If that is the case, then “technically” a zombie cannot smell, see, taste, or use any of its senses because the brain is dead and the brain registers the senses.

#2: The dead body comes back to life

In many movies about zombies, there is the “infection theory,” such as in 28 Days Later, Dawn of the Dead (most recent adaptation), and Resident Evil. This is probably the likely culprit for their frightening resurrection. We know the human body does not, by natural processes, die and come back to life as a zombie. Therefore, we can conclude some other variable is the cause, some “X” factor. The assumption is that if the zombie is the result of an infection, then the infection will continue to “live” despite the dead body.

#3. Zombies create other zombies

What do zombies gain by snacking on humans? Logically, zombies gain absolutely nothing, zilch, nada. On the other hand, the infection has everything to gain. This “infection” is probably in the form of a parasite that infiltrates the blood. This would make perfect sense why zombies like to bite, munch, and tear because the parasite seeks to transmit. As the zombie chomps, the infection is passed by direct contact, which is no different than any other disease/infection/germ. However, the very nature of a zombie shows this infection or parasite has a definite shelf-life, or why else would a zombie seek more victims? The act of killing the human being and turning them into a zombie starts some sort of fatal countdown. As all things live and die, then the same can be said about the infection: Find another host or perish!

#4. Zombies are stupid

If the infection controls the zombie, then the zombie would not have any sense of direction, place, or time. It wouldn’t matter where the infection was housed, it could be in the brain, leg, or butt for all that matters, and it still wouldn’t be able to discern spatial concepts. Infections are not intelligent; rather they operate on a survival basis (spread, grow, spread, grow). This being true, then a zombie would never purposely come after you. To stalk another human would be predatorial and would require the use of forethought and cunning, all of which zombies lack because they have lost the use of the brain. The conclusion: Zombies are stupid. As such, an actual attack by a zombie would only happen if a person came across the zombie or a zombie comes across the person. These occurrences are, more than likely, a matter of chance, due to the zombie’s inability to use any thought whatsoever. Bear in mind that zombies seem to congregate in the areas where they were made; the bigger the city, the bigger the population of zombies.

#5. Zombies die

But who really cares about all the other stuff, the most important piece of information is how to kill them. The good news is that zombies do die. But probably not by the previously exercised methods or theories. We have already figured that zombies are dead humans, so they have lost the function of all internal organs. They are not just dead in body but also dead in thought. Therefore, shooting a zombie in the head to kill it seems implausible. The brain no longer works, so doing further damage to it should not have any effect. Also, zombies wouldn’t die from starvation as another theory suggests. If they did die from starvation, then they would also die from dehydration, which would be quicker than waiting for them to slowly waste away. But, again, zombies are dead humans and they wouldn’t be subjected to the need to eat and drink to sustain life.

So what is left? There is really only one possible method of effectively exterminating a zombie and it requires no effort on our part whatsoever. If we let nature run its course, then the zombie will die because of decomposition. If the body is dead and blood and oxygen no longer flow to the muscles and organs, then the tissue will rot away with just a skeleton left in its place. Combine this with maggots and other bugs, and we have a recipe for quick, sudden death. We can safely assume that once all the tissue has decomposed (the infection housing grounds) then the zombie would cease to exist. The decomposition element would explain why zombies appear to be clumsy or stagger because the muscles are undergoing the process of decay. All this being true, then it’s best to remember the most dangerous zombie is the one freshly made as they still have function of their muscles... at least for a time.

The Animal Factor

Animal zombies are definitely a gray area because we don’t want to see Little Fluffy, the Pomeranian, come after us with matted fur, bloodshot eyes, and blood caked around its mouth. But it does seem possible that animals can become zombies because many infections are passed from animals to humans and vice versa. But even if this did happen, the infection would hardly stand a chance of survival for one very good reason: Animal instinct. Their instinct is how they survive in the wild. Even if an animal did come across a squirrel zombie, a wolf zombie, or a human zombie, they would have an innate sense of “something’s just not quite right” and stay away. For the most part, animals are quick and agile creatures, and they could easily dodge a zombie, or hide. Especially since the above truths still hold true with animal zombies as with human zombies: They are dead, no use of their brain, no sense of direction, place, or time. Chances are if an animal was infected, it would be highly controlled within the species and the infected animal would decompose faster than it could spread the virus.

How to Survive a Zombie Invasion

There are really just four things you need to know and/or do to survive an invasion. First, find adequate and secluded shelter. Something that can keep you in, but keep the zombies out. It doesn’t have to be fancy; a place with a locked door and reinforced windows will do the trick nicely. It also needs to be secluded... as far out in the boonies as possible. Don’t forget you will need water, so find a refuge with a river, stream, or lake nearby. Don’t worry. This will not attract zombies. They have no use for water. Second, always, always have a weapon, preferably a large blunt object or a gun that’ll do some serious damage. It is possible a zombie may wander into your territory, although the chances are unlikely, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. Third, if for any reason, you find yourself surrounded by zombies, run swinging. Most of their bodies are nothing but a mass of mush; a few quick jabs could probably save your life. And last, but not least, remember never, ever under any circumstances let a zombie bite, scratch, or otherwise spit any fluid in or near your eyes, ears, or mouth! If this happens, you are certain to become your own worst nightmare.

If you follow the above advice, you are sure to survive a Zombie Invasion. Remember, time is on your side. On a hot day and in the open, a human body will decompose in as little as nine to ten days. Good luck!

Further reading:
Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks