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Pickins 'n Scratchins

KWAZI'S 8 BAR BLUES

I looks here, I looks dere,
I bin lookins everywhere.
Hic....Burp, 'scuse!
Kwazi got the 8 bar blues.

I checks out limey London town.
Gots a Hard Rock Cafe goin down.
Buts not the hard rock I once knews.
Kwazi got the 8 bar blues.

But what's this Crazy Horse Saloon?
They's one in France, be dere by noon!
An dancin girls talk "voulez vous"? (do you want?)
Kwazi got the 8 bar blues.

Now ever bin down Buff'lo way?
Dey's a Hooters dere, all nites'n day.
M'eyes popped at the fluff'n flooze!
But Kwazi still got the 8 bar blues.

Ah hear'd a place in Hawaii
The Zanzabar in Wakiki,
But all ma cash ah did lose.
Kwazi got the 8 bar blues.

Now dis has got to be the place!
The Hog's Breath, in d'Sunshine State!
But's jus another bad excuse,
Kwazi got the 8 bar blues.

Now back to Fresno, it's dere of course
Another called The Crazy Horse!
But jus some two step, two bit schmooze.
Kwazi got the 8 bar blues.

We's gettin jes a li'l tired outs.
Dere's a Last Chance Saloon here abouts
Where sweet things in their 30's cruise.
But Kwazi got the 8 bar blues.

These 8 bars ain't doin me good,
So gots me out some nails and wood,
And Kwazi Mojo's Tavern Stood!
The bes dam bar in da 'hood!

Fer someone jus as smart as I,
An brags about my third eye,
I saw at last what I's lookin for,
And Kwazi's got the blues no more!

c. 2003 Kwazi Mojo

Kwazi's Song:
In The Way You Look At Me

You've already seen this one!

c. 2001 Kwazi Mojo

The Dark Side of the Earth

There are times when we feel out of sorts. But for some it is a severe affliction.

Some have this instability when the moon is full and the mind feels pulled towards another reality and the body's proteins and aminos reorder themselves resulting in repulsive growth of hair, teeth and the like. But to this, my mind is only slightly affected.

My problem is 'sunspots'. Yes, high sunspot activity! Great solar flares! The bombardment of cosmic rays, intense electromagnetic forces, deadly infared frequencies that are accelerated as they flow around the planet's surface and, drawn in like a backdraft, come crashing through the atmosphere on "The Dark Side of the Earth"!!

To these pitiful beings like myself, their very molecules, regardless of 'table of elements', are torn apart in a XZillion nuclear blasts, resulting in mutated bodies and minds that are impossibly incomprehensible to imagine except to any but their other bros and sisies! Even to the point that their souls themselves have been set on fire!!

There is no rehab for these grotesques during this period of solar activity, they avoid, in the extreme, encounters with normal society, even the 'moon mad' maniacs! They are doomed to remain on the "Dark Side of the Earth" trudgeing, creeping, slithering, crawling, rockin n rollin, moshin and headbangin, as the planet rotates, following the weary dark path as it drags itself along the earth's surface.

I must admit, while there is still any humanity left in me, that to my horror and disgust, I am degenerating. My 11 AM shadow has now become a 9AM/3PM shadow. I am once again resembling a cross between a dwarf cyclops, a camel, something slimey you would find under a rock, a polish ogorski, 3 newfies, a so cal resident......You guessed it!! I AM KWAZI MOJO!!??^%(*

Does any of this sound familliar to you Dark? (Herr Doktor Death, die scheis*??!) You can tell me........................ >}-)

MOJO Risin' Posted 9-21-2001 20:26 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I been gone and come again! The darkness is still my refuge, but it sure makes it a bitch to chase up some food! The other day a thought came to me! 
Some say that necessity is the mother of invention but I say NAY! You've got it backwards, mother is the invention of necessity, or was that mother is the necessity of invention?!?........ 

Well forget all that, back to the brilliant plan. I went to the darkest payphone I could find and ordered up an old, Italian roman catholic family size, deepdish pizza, double the works, hold the anchovies and a quart of beer. They were to deliver it to the location of the payphone where I left the cash and a generous tip! I removed myself from sight and watched the greasy, son of a pizza maker bring the pizza to the phone, take the money, tip AND THE DAMN PIZZA & BEER!!! #$@#!&*%(^^^)!! >}-0 

I called the owner and complained bitterly, he apologized most sincerely and assured me that he would discipline his little brat and send him back with another at half price as they don't offer refunds. A deep guttural laugh from the back of my throat delivered the words of my agreement. 

This time I waited for him near the road where he parked before and sure enough up he drove. He looked all around him before he unlocked his door and despite his blackened eyes, swollen nearly shut and the hasty stitch job across his forehead, he made his way, swiveling his head from over one shoulder to the other, with a great sense of foreboding! I quietly slithered into the driver's seat, and as the engine was still running I waited for him to go for the money. 

NOW! I ground the shit out of the gear box, popped the clutch, fan belts screeching like banshees, and out of a cloud of hellish exhaust I had the little jerk in the sights of the hood ornament, bouncing and crashing over the curb, and laid on the horn AAYUUUUUUUGGGAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa!!!!! I LOVE IT!!! 

Kid flipped on the spot, knocked his head on the phonebooth! So not only did I have my pizza and eat it too, I got my money back with interest!!! >}-) 


!!!!!!!
Trick or Treat?

BUUUUURRRRRRP! A thousand pardons!! Forgive me if I have offended anybody, but when you look like I do, you don't feel much better either, so you take your pleasures when you can get it, or where you can find it.

I don't know what's with the world these days, The sunspot activity should have started to subside today, but for some damn reason I've sprouted little wings from my shoulders, but they're of no fuggin use at all unless you think gross is beautiful! Well lets just hope that the least that will happen is, that they will become something useful, so I can like, take off, eh? (that's Canadian 'hoser' speak, idiots)

I came across a newspaper earlier, or rather while I was trying to take 5 and rest my eyes, my head was collateral damage to the careless aim of some crappin little paperboy. As it was still dark, it might have even been a braindead papergirl, you can never tell these days, they all look the same to me. Shoulda seen whoever take off when they smelt me comin! >&-] 

So when I'm in these kinda bored stupid moods, I start at the back reading the classifieds. It might have been some kind of pre-Halloween prank or something, but there was this want ad for 'person' to do the night shift at a downtown all night grocery/beer/drugstore. It was a Halloween promo doing a Santa sorta thing instead you had to dish out candies, condoms and coupons and put up with the little creeps doin a trick or treat number on you. You had to supply your own creepy duds. This idea smelled of a little fun with the added perks of substituting beer for the coffee breaks, nachos, liquorice sticks and tylenol after the shift was through, not to mention the bread!

I made my way from shadow to shadow, down all the back alleys I could find, scuttling with the rats and slinking with the cats til I reached the barbedwire fence of my intended employer. There was too much light for me around the front on the streetside so I was trying to find a way to get over, through, under this damned fence. This was beginning to piss me off and I was starting to get into one Hell of a flap.....flap? Awright!! 

By now I noticed my wings had become quite respectable, not too mention very cool in a fashionable sort of way, rather gothic and very black. I backed down the alley quite a ways so I could make enough speed to get some lift under these wings, and after a few test runs I figured I had it worked out. Only thing was, if I managed to get over the fence I would have to flap like a bug*er to brake in time so as not to crash into the back of the store. 

Well the Wright Brothers I ain't, they didn't invent brakes on lighter than air vehicles at that time. I'd like to think of myself as the more Baron Von Richtofen type! [}-) A right nasty but cool swashbuckler of the skies. 

OK, time to start crankin. *plod...plod...plod..flap.plod, flap, plod, flap, flap..... etc.* Dig it Daddy!!! We have reached cruising speed and now we are beginning our final descent to the fun, sun and sands, palms swaying to and fro in the ocean breezes..... WAKE UP YOU IDIOT!!!!!! (very big) @%$*& CRAASSHHH *$@%^!!!!! Too late.

"GOTT IM HIMMEL!!! Scheiss! Was ist los??!?" Vo ist mien kopf??!?"..... OH YEECHH!! The stench is revolting, even to me! What is this sh*t? Would you believe it! I'm in a dumpster full of ofal!! I don't believe it!! God, the rotting vegetables; moldey half eaten rolls; and what's this? Oh no, it's the carcass of half a dog, and there's..... a plucked pigeon and that's not the worst of it, sitting squarely on my head is a left over of a fried rat! Surely this is not the refuse bin of my intended boss. I must have miscalculated. This is the sleazy little bar & diner nextdoor! I would report them to the health dept. but they would never believe me. [|-P

!!!!!!!!!


As luck would have it, having hoisted myself up to the rim of the bin, there was staring back at me, four very ugly thugs, you know the kind who where dark shades in the dark, and I thought I was ugly! Well I was. They took one look at me, covered their mouth and noses and staggered off blindly knocking all manner of containers and creating the worst kind of racket. It was one of my proudest moments and one of my most protected as well!

Taking stock of my situation, I knew that the only way out was to go through the that booozy bean joint. I entered the back room to find it hastily abandoned, with poker & blackjack tables overturned, chips, cards and cash strewn all about, the clattering of the marble ball in the still spinning roulette wheel and more cash and chips. An overturned ashtray in the corner was starting to set fire to dark curtain so I rushed over and put it out, after all, I didn't need to have the whole block burning down while I was going for my interview. I then stuffed the cash into my pants, to pay for the drycleaning you know, and went into the kitchen to see if I could find some disinfectant gargle and some lysol deodorant. 

It figures that the kitchen didn't have any disinfectant or any cleaners for that matter! And the only deodorant was a bottle of gin that the cook kept to fight off the bacteria! A couple of swigs and all was right with the world again, so to speak.

By the time I got to the all nighter, There was a ragged looking crew lined up, more like propped up, spilling out the door. A finer representation of the dregs of the labourmarket you couldn't find anywhere. I made my way to the front of the line, which wasn't difficult, because, as each slug I passed, they either fainted from disgust, or crawled off.

I could just see that the manager was interviewing a candidate, who was showing the body language of success. >}-( The interview had just concluded and the beaming little sucker was being so patheticly fawning I wanted to puke! The manager came to me with a somewhat puzzled look on his face wondering what happend to the others he was going to disappoint. He apologized but that the position had just been filled. I mean if I wanted to dress up at Halloween like a feckless little turd, I just couldn't!! Although if it's any consolation he thought my costume was by far the most original he had ever seen or even ever imagined, and believe me anyone who has seen what he has seen in this place, even I had to take that as a compliment. I thanked him and told him that I was just going to find some breathmints.

I moved behind an isle, out of view of the manager, and waited for my quarry to pass by me. "Ahem" I said quietly. If I wasn't holding him up by his lapels, he would have dropped to the ground, fainted dead away. I shook him and he fainted again. The next time he came to I quickly said to him, "Now that you have a new job, I'm going to be your 'best' customer!!" Muahahaha....
In his stupor and desperation to get out of there he knocked over the cosmetics counter sending him reeling into the magazine rack, and finally colliding with the manager who was incredulously looking on. Needless to say it was a 'draw' that the nerd quit and the boss fired him simultaneously.

By default and by the process of elimination, not to mention logical deduction, I was offered the job!!!! >}-) Tonight is Halloween!!!

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